Why spend a lifetime working hard and investing wisely to achieve financial security when you can become a cryptocurrency millionaire overnight? 

Chances are you believed The Man when he told you the path to success lay in studying and working hard. Now, sure, you might end up doing alright for yourself by putting in 80-hour weeks for decades to make partner or CEO. But, frankly, that kind of wealth-building strategy is soooo five minutes ago.

Why not just put your life savings into a promising cryptocurrency then wait a few weeks for your money to gazallionruple? If you can spare two minutes to read the guide below, effortless and instant riches await!

Bitcoin – the Myspace of cryptocurrencies

What you need to know: As cryptocurrencies go, bitcoin is primitive. That’s unsurprising given it was the world’s first cryptocurrency and launched before many crypto investors were born (i.e. 2009). Nonetheless, bitcoin remains the 800-pound-gorilla of the crypto space (thanks, first-mover advantage!) to the extent all other cryptocurrencies are labelled ‘altcoins’. As you’ve no doubt heard, if you’d spent $1 buying a bitcoin back when senile blowhards such as Warren Buffett were slagging it off, you’d now be richer than Jeff Bezos’s ex-wife. Bitcoin creator ‘Satoshi Nakamoto’ created 21 million Bitcoins and, at the time of writing, they retail for around $US38,000 apiece. (This valuation may have risen or fallen by 100,000% by the time you read this.)

You should buy Bitcoin if: You’re a basic bitch, you’re a nationalistic Aussie (Mr Nakamoto is likely an Antipodean computer scientist) or you’re a techno-utopian who believes fiat currency is destined for the ash heap of history.  

Ethereum – the Hungry Jacks of cryptocurrencies  

What you need to know: The cryptos are better at Ethereum, but that doesn’t mean Joe Public prefers digital Whoppers to cyber Big Macs. Ethers have always traded for a fraction (e.g. around US$2,500 currently) of what bitcoins sell for. But a significantly higher fraction than any other pretenders to the bitcoin throne have been able to manage. Ethereum fanboys like to drone on about how superior it is as a blockchain. (All cryptos are enabled by blockchain technology). But its primary selling point is that it’s (a) currently relatively affordable (b) has the potential to ‘go to the moon’ once people realise it has more utility than its media-whore competitor.    

You should buy ethers if: You spent the 1980s lecturing people about Betamax providing a better viewing experience than VHS.

Stablecoins – the fiat currencies of cryptocurrencies 

What you need to know: Naysayers like to point out that cryptocurrencies have no intrinsic value. Crypto bros own these Luddites by pointing out fiat currencies haven’t had any intrinsic value since the collapse of the gold standard. Stablecoins such as Tether and USD Coin confound everybody by both having no intrinsic value AND being tied to fiat currencies that also have no intrinsic value. (One Tether or USD Coin is, and always will be, valued at US$1.) So why bother with Tether or USD Coin when you could just use garden-variety US dollars? Well, nobody really knows, other than it might make your online financial transactions quicker.

You should buy Tether and USD Coin if: You’re confident Joe Biden’s economic policies won’t result in Americans needing to push a wheelbarrow full of $100 notes to the supermarket to buy a loaf of bread anytime soon.

Meme coins – the dark horses of cryptocurrencies 

What you need to know: Creating a new cryptocurrency isn’t onerous and there are now more than 4000 of them. Including so-called ‘meme coins’ such as:

Australian Safe Shepherd – This seems to have been named solely to create the acronym ASS, facilitating puns such as “Buy some ASS”

Tiger King – Think it’s an outrage that Joe Exotic languishes behind bars while his (alleged) husband-disappearing rival Carole Baskin remains free to rake in the big-cat bucks? By purchasing Tiger King tender, you’re not just securing your family’s financial future; you’re also helping Joe pay off his legal bills

TrumpCoin – If you’re a patriot (it doesn’t matter what country you’re patriotic about as long as it’s not China) who loves “Freedom, God [and] Family” and is prepared to “stand firm against leftist groups”, there’s a crypto investment that will have you winning so much you’ll get tired of winning    

Game, set and match, haters!

Middle-aged cynics like to mock meme coins just because they are typically valued at approximately US$0.00000000000286. But, earlier this year, Dogecoin showed the joke is on them. After being lauded by canny investors such as Snoop Dogg and Gene Simmons, doge went from being in Ugandan Shilling territory to being valued at US$0.50, a 20,000% increase that gave it a market cap of US$50 billion, making it the world’s fifth most powerful cryptocurrency.* At this point, it’s worth noting that Dogecoin was created by two tech-industry misanthropes as a meta-joke about the worthlessness of cryptocurrencies and the foolishness of crypto investors looking to get rich quick.

Well, who’s laughing now, sheeple?    

*Figures may have subsequently changed somewhat

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